"training"

so I've been "training" for a half marathon the past couple of weeks.

big emphasis on the training part.

I kinda just thought, "half marathon? pshhh easy. I can knock it out no problem. give me four weeks to train." 

then yesterday happened.

I ran 12 miles.

And felt SO incredibly energized and motivated the whole way.

I was killing it!

My little running app talks to me every five minutes--and each time she'd tell me my time I did a little jig while running and thought, "gosh, kell, you're a rockstar."

oh side story, please:

about two miles in, I had to poo really bad. TMI? ha!

It just came--BAM.

Luckily, I was really close to my brother's house, so I "ran" or more like ran, and then skipped, and then grabbed my stomach and skipped some more, and then thought "oh, no, I will never make it," and then seriously considered just going right in my pants (who does that?), but I was in serious pain.

So I finally make it to his door and practically bang it down.  

I was so afraid he wouldn't be home...I even scouted out a good bush to squat in as I banged on his door.

He opened the door (clearly confused to see me standing there with probably the craziest look in my eyes), and I shoved right past him and said, "I've got to poo!" then ran to his bathroom and closed the door as I yelled, "thanks, I owe you big time!"

his face, man. priceless. I'm telling you.

but there was no time to spare for an explanation.

We had a good laugh after I emerged, feeling SO relieved.

As I headed back out on my run, I realized I had never stopped the timer on my running app, which was going to botch my split times. dang!

so when the app kept yelling in my ear telling me my average times, I was so excited that I was getting the average down to what I regularly am--even with the inaccurate 17 minute second mile. ha! 

okay, so here I am, running like a dream, just enjoying the scenery--feeling like iron woman.

I was originally only planning to run for about 8 miles.

I didn't want to eat right before running, so I just decided that I'd make something light when I got back home.

But since I felt so great on the run, I figured, "four more miles? why the heck not?"

and I kept going.

Let me tell you though.

Mile 11 was THE WORST.

I was so done.

My body was screaming.

And my stomach had decided to just cramp up--probably because I just burned 1,000cal with no food to burn. awesome.

The first thing I did when I got home was collapse.

rookie mistake 101.

While I laid there, I thought, "I should stretch. I should really get up and stretch. but ohhhh, this carpet is so nice, and I worked so hard, and I'm so proud of myself, and I'm a grown up and I can do what I want. so...stretching? what's that?"

And I laid there for the next hour.

And then...misery.

Cue massive stomach and leg cramps.

I knew I was hungry, but I was suddenly so bloated and crampy that the thought of food made me run to the toilet (taylor wasn't home, so I didn't have the option of just throwing up in the carpet and then having him clean it up for me. ...haha! dear taylor: I'm soooo kidding!...he has definitely cleaned up his fair share of carpet-vomit).

Instead of eating, I curled in fetal position in my bed and watched netflix (oh, and of course the first episode I watched had someone throwing up...why, world!?) 

I tossed and turned all night and couldn't believe how BLOATED I was.

This is when "hypochondriac kelligilbert" comes in.

As I laid there, I suddenly thought, "Oh myyy gosh. I'M PREGNANT!!  I've got all of the symptoms: cramps, my belly is huge, nausea---it all makes sense!"

And then I laid awake thinking about how being pregnant would affect my teaching career, and how I better call my doctor ASAP so she can take out my IUD, and "how should I tell Taylor when he comes home!?"

I finally fell asleep, clutching my fetus-filled-belly.
but when I woke up, I felt just as sick.
...and by golly, I was starving!
I ended up calling in for a substitute, because I was SO crampy--and how would I ever find something cute to wear when I was so incredibly bloated? (totally just kidding about that last part)
then I laid in bed until 10 (still hadn't eaten anything, folks).
finally, my good sense knocked in, and I went and had breakfast.
And of course, the next stop was to throw on a sweatshirt and head over to the drugstore for the pregnancy test--whilst crossing my fingers that I didn't run into any of my students while I was braless and buying pregnancy tests!

I peed on that little stick, and anxiously stared at it for the next two minutes.
of course, it said "no fetus."
so I kissed that stick.
(kidding)
and laughed at how stupid I was that I actually thought I was pregnant.
boys and girls! i have an IUD--it works miracles, remember? haha

Then tonight, I did lots of research about running and training for a half marathon.
I learned a few things.
(things that seem so simple. but simple-minded me has problems about thinking simple things)

1. for those who have never ran a half marathon, you should train for at least 10 weeks.
whoops.
2. on a run more than 6 miles, make sure to bring a water bottle! if you don't, you will feel massive cramping after the run.
whoops.
3. make sure to have a clean diet--nutritious with lots of complicated stuff I can't remember.
whoops.
you mean you can't run on m&ms and three bowls of cereal?
4. after running a long run, make sure not to sit down for at least 30 minutes. and make sure to stretch!
double whoops.
but I blame that one on my soft carpet.
5. make sure your shoes are at least half a size too big.
well, that explains my bloody socks!
(p.s. I LOVE my running shoes, and have never had a problem until I kicked my regular six miles up to 10-12 miles. guess it's time for new ones...)

And suddenly, after my research, I'm not feeling like such a rockstar after all.
In fact, I'm a little embarrassed that I knew so little and just went into it.
I originally thought, how different can 5-6 miles (which I can do pretty easily) be from 13 miles?
I don't know...I guess sometimes I think I'm iron woman or something?

So ladies and gents: this post is all about how little I know and how I'm still determined to put myself through misery to accomplish what I think I can do.

And hey! Don't forget to look for me on the streets of Orem--I'll be the one with bloody shoes who runs funny because she really has to go #2.
If I knock on your door, please let me in.
 because I'd really hate to ruin your rose garden.