an update on taylor

On Wednesday, I was doing my normal thing in US History...teaching my last lecture of the school year, when my classroom door opened, and the administrative secretary and copy lady were telling me to come outside for a minute.

I immediately thought it was a little odd that these two would need me in the middle of class, and as I walked to the door, I was racking my brain of which swear words I had used in class that day. hahah

was I really going to get in trouble in my last few days of teaching?

I walked outside the door, smiling, and said, "Hi!"

then, I turned, and saw taylor's mom standing there--clearly she had been crying.

I can't explain my feelings from this point on.

Almost immediately, I knew why she was there.

and yet, at the same time, my mind just wouldn't accept anything.

it's this moment right here that my mind keeps going back to...making me shudder every time.

she said, "Kelli, you need to leave right now. Taylor had a stroke and is in the ER with Dad."

I think I immediately went into shock.

It was a complete out-of-body experience, and my mind could just NOT accept what she was saying to me.

the sweet office ladies went into my classroom and grabbed my things.

I remember turning back towards my classroom and seeing some of my students watching me from the window.

 I so badly wanted to just walk right back into class and finish my lecture...because this wasn't real, right? this wasn't really happening.

I remember that moment so clearly...seeing those students in the front row, and wishing with everything I had that I could push past all of this and continue that US History lesson with them.

But the next thing I knew, I was walking down the school hallway...still very much in shock.

We got into the car, and drove to the hospital.

We didn't say much...we didn't really know anything.

I think I asked a few questions, but I wasn't really comprehending anything.

Sooo many thoughts ran through my mind.

Maybe they were dramatic, but I guess that's just where the human mind goes.

Would he be paralyzed?

Brain damage?

Alive?

Would he meet his baby girl?

What did I last say to him?

I was so grateful that on that morning, I randomly waited 10 extra minutes to leave to work so that I could see him when he came home from playing basketball in the morning (I'm always gone before he leaves).

I thought about the small, simple "have a good day" kiss we shared as we passed in the garage.

I thought about the fact that I had tried calling him about 30 minutes ago.

He didn't answer.

I didn't think anything of it.

But now I knew exactly why.

I sent a text to my family asking them to pray for Taylor.

We parked our car, practically ran into the ER, and were sent into a small ER room.

I turned the corner, immediately expecting to see Taylor on the bed, but the room was empty.

I think this is when my mind caught up to everything that was happening.

Where was he?

I needed to see him!

They told us he was still getting tests done, and to sit down and wait.

And as soon as I sat down, and felt our sweet baby girl move, the first tears started to flow.

How was I here?

How was this real?

We waited for what seemed like forever.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

Mom Gilbert and I tried to talk a little, but mostly we sat there in silence, ignoring the tears streaming down the other's face.

Earlier that week, when opening my LDS tools app, there was a random hymn I had never heard before open on the app.

I read it, and loved it, and read it to Taylor while we were lying in bed.

I didn't think anything more of it until I was sitting in that ER room.

I felt prompted to go back to that random hymn and read the lyrics again.

"God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants his footsteps in the sea,

And rides upon the storm.

Ye fearful Saints, fresh courage take,

the clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

with blessings on your head.

His purposes will ripen fast,

unfolding every hour;

the bud may have a bitter taste,

but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan his works in vain;

God is his own interpreter,

And he will make it plain."

It spoke so plainly to me.

I was still so scared, but I knew that God's hand was in all of this, no matter how it turned out.

FINALLY, Taylor was rolled into the room in a wheelchair.

He immediately smiled, did a little "taylor" wave, and said, "Helloooo!"

And the tears just flowed.

Here he was!

And he looked so good!

He climbed into the hospital bed, and the nurse started asking more questions.

His speech was clearly delayed, but his Dad said it was MUCH better than what it had been.

I was so grateful I missed most of the scary part.

I started rubbing his arm, until Taylor finally turned to me and said, "IV."

HAHA, I was rubbing right on his IV for the last few minutes.

whoops, sorry, tay.

Doctors came in and out...doing tests, asking questions.

With each minute that passed, Taylor's speech was getting better and better.

They admitted us to the Progressive Care Unit (along with the other 80 year olds who were having strokes that day) for more tests and, at the least, an overnight stay.

When Taylor's speech was back, he told us what had happened:

He was texting someone at work, and suddenly he was hitting all of the wrong keys.

Then, he noticed his perception was off.

He would reach out to grab something off of his desk, and the desk would come sooner than he thought.

He went across the hall to his Dad's office (SUCH a blessing that his dad was right there!), and said he wasn't feeling well.

His dad thought maybe he was having a migraine, and told him he would take him home.

On the way home, his dad noticed his speech getting worse and worse.

He took a u-turn and started for the ER instead.

When they got to the ER, there were about 20 people in the waiting room.

You know it's not good, when you skip ALL of those people, and get rushed right into the ER.

They immediately started tests to figure out what was wrong.

Within a couple of hours of being with Taylor, he was completely back to his normal self.
I had a Shop Stevie pop-up shop scheduled that night, and was fully intending to cancel it (duh), but when Taylor heard that he said, "I probably had a stroke BECAUSE of that pop up! No way are you canceling!! Go and do it for me!"

Taylor and his dad's company are the ones organizing all of the Shop Stevie pop-ups, and mine was the very first one.

Taylor was so adamant that I go and make it a success for him.

Luckily, I have the sweetest friend who literally dropped everything and came and helped me wrap my mind around everything and get ready to host the party.

And thank goodness it was a total success!

As soon as it was over, I raced back to the hospital to be with my TayRay.

He was still doing great.

All of the tests were coming back normal, which the doctors said was great!

When each nurse took his vitals, they would always say, "Wow, you are so healthy! How did you have a stroke!?"

I think they also secretly loved Taylor because he was the only young patient on the stroke floor hahah

We had a long night's stay in the hospital.

I didn't sleep much (probably a little due to the fact that those reclining chairs aren't the comfiest...especially at 36 weeks pregnant HA), but mostly because I found myself just staring at Taylor.

I was SO grateful that I was sitting there right next to him.

That he was healthy and well.

He was curled up in the cutest fetal position--the only way he could get comfortable while being hooked up to A MILLION machines.

But man...I just couldn't help but feel soooo grateful.

 the doctors performed a few more tests the next day and determined that he most likely had a TIA or mini-stroke (TIAs have no permanent damage).

But since there was no obvious reason for the stroke, they determined it could have been caused by a random blood clot, a constriction of blood vessels in the brain, or just a weird fluke.

We were discharged with the instructions for him to take baby aspirin for life (supposedly it's good for your heart?), and for him to come in immediately if the symptoms ever came back.
I still remember when he was finally allowed to stand up, and I was able to give him a full hug.
I don't know if I've ever had a hug that meant more to me.
Even though baby girl got in the way a little, we were together.
All three of us ;)
and I was able to hug my taylor!

Once we were finally released, the "stroke jokes" began. ha

like the following:

On the way home, we stopped at chick-fil-a.

I hit a bump pretty hard going into the parking lot, and taylor said, "woah, careful. Don't you know I just had a stroke yesterday?"

or this:

ha!

I am so grateful that those few frightening hours turned out okay, and we are laughing and joking about it now!

It really makes you realize how fragile life really is.

I hope I never have to experience those few hours again in my life.

But I am comforted by the knowledge that we were so blessed, and God did not leave me alone in a true moment of need.

I cannot express enough gratitude for the MANY MANY calls, texts, social media messages, front porch deliveries, etc., that started pouring in immediately.

We felt so loved.

People are so good.

God is good.

and my TaylorRay is GOOD and healthy!

Last night, I just kept wanting to touch him and stare at him and hug him and tell him how much I loved him.
It really is amazing how an experience like this can make you appreciate the little things SO much.

We are so grateful.

so grateful.
(and also really grateful that I didn't go into labor with all of that stress!)

And boy, do I love my sweet Taylor.

p.s. tay? never again. 

25

thanks to so many family, friends, and students, my 25th birthday was so special!

I walked into a classroom that was decorated by some of my sweet, sweet students!

having a birthday as a teacher rocks.

I got sooooo many treats. hahah

milkshake, after meal, after candy, after more milkshakes, after giftcards...AH

I had to share A LOT. haha

I came home to the prettiest flowers and sweeeeetest card from my tayray.

he came home from work early, and whisked me away to the tulip festival.

(which I just found out yesterday that teachers + a guest get in for FREE...DANG hahah, guess we will just have to go again for free ;))

one of my favorite things about my sweet taylor is how much he appreciates beautiful and creative things.
he loved the gardens as much as I did!
we walked around for a few hours, admiring lots, and wishing we had a membership (which, now we technically do, since we can get in for free whenever we want hahah)


I took most pictures on snapchat, so the only ones I actually have on my phone are in the same spot with new facial expressions. haha
after the festival, taylor took me to dinner, and then we cuddled up to a movie and taylor gave me the best birthday massage a pregnant woman could ask for!

I had a few people telling me to make sure that this birthday was all about ME, since it was my last birthday not being a mom.

but don't they know that my thoughts are already revolving around baby 24/7? ha

all of the things I wanted for my birthday were baby related, and people kept asking, "are you SURE you want something for the baby and not for yourself?"

like they felt guilty getting baby-related items. hahah

but it was all I wanted...and it was the best birthday EVER.

all of my hopeful nursery items are being checked off of my list

(thanks also to how lucky baby girl is...I've won 18 instagram giveaways in the last 3 months!...mostly baby related)

I am so excited that this is the birthday year that I become a MAMA.

it's gonna be a good year.
I can feel it.

taylor just sent me this little text

cue swooning heart.

it's going to be one good date night.

p.s. have you seen grace and frankie?

it is sooo funny. 

we binged watched the first season when it first came on netflix.

Just a few more date nights left until we've got a third wheeler on our hands ;)

snapchat stories

I feel like a lot of my stories have been shared on snapchat and instagram lately...leaving this little blog of ours neglected. 

probably the ease of it all...i'm so lazy lately. hahah

also teaching AP is kinda kicking my butt with the test just around the corner...ahhh, I think I'm more nervous than they are!!

so here are a few of the stories I've been sharing on snapchat, follow me if you want:

kelligilbert

my last spirit bowl!

all of these lasts are getting a little emotional...these students are so dang fun.

my cute running buddy from the last 3 years and I ran a little 5k together a couple of weekends ago!

I definitely slowed her down, being 30 weeks pregnant and all. HA

we don't live right next to each other anymore, and our schedules are so different now that we haven't been able to really run together for the past year.

so it's always fun when we get back together for a little run.

baby girl moves sooo much.

the only way I can get her to be calm is to go for a little daily run.

the two hours after the run, are always the calmest part of my belly's day. haha

hopefully she'll come out ready to be my little running buddy!

a 30 week bump-picture in all it's glory

For the first time in this pregnancy, I started to get sooo uncomfortable during week 30, when trying to sleep.

Luckily, I've learned a few tricks, and haven't really had too much of an issue lately.

but this night in particular had me almost in tears...I take my sleep pretty seriously.

^cute tay has learned how to build various pillow set-ups based on my discomfort. haha, I'll call him in and have him rebuild multiple times...hahaha

Luckily, this was like a one week thing...and I've been totally fine the last 2 weeks.

My trick? A fan.

No idea why.

But if I have a fan blowing on me, I can get sooo comfortable and sleep so well.

It's not like I was even dying of heat or anything...but something about the constant "touch" makes me sleep like a baby again.

WOOHOO

31.5 week bump!

sometimes I can't help but just stare at my belly.

It's so strange, but it's also the coolest thing my body has ever done, by far.

 and let's end with possibly the best picture of mr. taylor gilbert:

that pose.

crushed it.

the cutest daddy story.

ever since we started dating, taylor would always tell me that all he wanted was a bunch of little daughters.

I kinda hated on his little dream because all I wanted was BOYS.

And then...of course, we found out baby gilby was a sweet girl, and Taylor gave me his cute half smile and wink, with a little knowing look that said, "told ya so...on our way to allll girls." hahah

It's funny, because I wanted a boy SO bad, but now that I'm having a girl, I literally cannot imagine having a boy.

I'm sold on Taylor's little all-girl-dream now.

Bring me allllll the girls.

Taylor is going to be the sweeetest daddy to our little girl.

She's already got him wrapped around her little finger.

Case in point:

The other night, we went to baby gap---such a dangerous store lately.

we promised ourselves a few weeks ago that we wouldn't buy anymore baby clothes until after our baby showers...she already has a bigger wardrobe than both of us combined! haha

so, we stupidly went into baby gap while we were at the mall (just can't help ourselves...ha), and saw this little yellow dress that we both just had all the heart-eyes for.

Like we could not get over it.

It was sooooo cute.

We pretty much dragged each other out of the store so that we wouldn't buy it and break our little "clothes promise."

That took some BIG will power not to buy that dress.

The next day, Taylor picked me up for lunch (best part of spring break=lunch dates), and when I opened the car door, I saw a gap bag on the passenger seat.

Confused, I looked at Taylor and then instantly knew what was inside that bag.

Taylor hung his head and said, "I couldn't help myself.  I was at work just thinking about that little dress, and I had to leave work and go and get it so that I could concentrate!"

CUE MELTED HEART.

That little yellow dress was inside the bag, and ohhh, it's just as cute as it was in the store.

I laughed for about 3 straight minutes just thinking of cute little taylor obsessing over the little yellow dress. haha

it is sooo sweet how much he already loves this little girl.

he has to tell her he loves her all the time, and tells her little stories, and sings her little songs.

it's the cutest.

I feel pretty dang lucky to be carrying taylor ray's little girl.

Can't wait to see him in full daddy mode.

because he will be just about the cutest little daddy to our sweet girl!

randoms and lately.

a little picture on easter sunday!

(not really sure why I look so extremely short in this picture...)

easter was so fun being spent with our gilbert fam.

we sure love the time we get with them.

taylor's easter basket was a little boring this year.

he is doing this diet thing for work, so I couldn't put any treats in his basket this year.

So he got lots of healthy food + his annual ties.

but he was still sweet enough to put some yummy treats and that pretty floral dress in my own basket ;)

goooood boy.

I had my glucose test this week!

I've been dreading it since I scheduled it last month.

but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was preparing for.

my doctor's office refrigerates their glucose drinks, which made it 10x better.

I purposefully stayed off of social media all day so that I would have something to do to keep my mind occupied while I drank.

and it worked like a charm! I had enough unread posts to scroll through, that I was kept pretty entertained while downing the yucky.

the worst part is probably just how fast you have to drink it, but in all reality, it really, really wasn't bad.

it's also really fun counting down to my next doctor's appointments!

doctor appointments are actually so fun now!

I love hearing her little heartbeat.

it makes everything so much more real for the 10 seconds I get to hear her.

really random picture, but we've loved our frequent dinner dates with mom and dad gilbert.

they are like our built in best friends, and we always have such a good time with them.

especially with all of us getting more and more giddy over baby girl gilbert!

 this morning I walked into my classroom and found huge, intricate snowflakes hanging everywhere.

I was so confused...still am.

Is it an april fools joke?

I keep thinking something is going to fall out of all of them or something...

ha, so the mystery is unsolved as of this moment.

for a really scary classroom moment, see here.

life has just been so great with my forever little sidekick.

we lie in bed and get to feel baby girl move every night. the BEST

pregnancy is so, so weird.

half the time, I almost forget I'm pregnant.

And then I will catch sight of myself in the mirror, or my belly will hit something, or baby girl will kick super hard, and a whole new wave of emotions comes over me as I remember what I'm carrying all day.

the human body is amazing.

and is it weird that I love always having a little companion?

where ever I go, I've got little girl with me.

and it's kind of the best feeling in the world.

a literal, built-in best friend. hahah

Half the time, I think, how can we wait 11 more weeks!? (that's if she doesn't come early!)

and the other half of the time, I think..."oh my gosh. we are SO NOT READY. 11 weeks!?!?!?"

pregnancy is something else.

but life is great...and spring break starts after today, so HALLELUJAH!

the growing bump

I wasn't super good at taking cute, regular pictures of my growing bump.

I actually started to, but was so frustrated by my bump's growing process, that I stopped.

I felt like I was in the "chub" stage FOREVER.

and had a reallyyyy hard time accepting the weight gain with no real bump.

 (see older posts to read my frustrations ha)

BUT now, I look back at what I "thought" were bump pictures, and I laugh so hard.

so here are my growing bump pictures.

and keep in mind, most of these I was just sending to my sister or mom, and so they are not cute by ANY means.

and 80% of them are in the high school bathroom HAHA

14 weeks.

^I sent this picture to my mom and sister saying, "I FINALLY HAVE A BUMP!" 

HAHAHAHAH....little did I know...

(p.s. we had just moved in...hence the mess)

now, I look at that flat tummy and think, "GIMME THAT BACK"

and at the time, I actually thought I was chubby with a BUMP!! HAHAHAHA

17 weeks.

what am I even holding? this was such a huge bump to me, and now it's comical.

but just look how proud my face is of that growing bump. HA

18.5 weeks.

this was still when I was extremely frustrated with my "chub"

now, it just looks like a flat tummy to me...oh, dear me.

19.5 weeks

this was my most exciting picture to take.

I remember I was soooo happy. 

there was a BELLY

I thought I was HUGE

 20.5 weeks (a little pushed out for the sake of the picture)

by 20 weeks, my belly had officially "popped"

it still was playing "hide and seek" for the next 2-4 weeks (some days it'd be there, and other days..."where'd ya go!?")

but I was pretty proud of that little bump.

22 weeks.

just loving on that little belly when it chose to come out and play.

25 weeks

HOORAH!

official bump status reached!!

this was also right after dinner, so probably a little bigger than usual, but YES to the bump!

 26.5 weeks.

finally feeling so proud of that bump that caused me so much freaking stress.

and after this point...every week, has been a crazy change.

I actually haven't been gaining any weight the last couple of weeks, but there has been some definite expansion in that belly of mine (considering she's gaining half a pound a week!)!

27.5 weeks!

28.5 weeks!

and my most recent...29 weeks.

WHEW

at my doctor's appointment this week, the doctor said she is still measuring ahead.

nice and long.

he said he is curious to do an ultrasound and measure her at our next appointment!

ME TOO!

baby girl moves soooo much.

her movements are starting to hurt a little, so that's fun. ha

Running and walking are the only times I'm truly comfortable...I rock her right to sleep with those movements. and then she's ready to play every other time of the day...

still not progressing on a name for baby girl, but I just keep telling myself it will come to us.

I feel like I should be more stressed about it than I am, though...

anyways, we are a happy and healthy 29 weeks--can't believe we will be meeting her so soon!

baby girl and I have a little 5k race this weekend, and I'm pretty excited!

p.s. SPRING BREAK NEXT WEEK

enough said.

my last year.

Today, I officially filled out my "Employee Release of Contract" form.

Filling out this form (that I've been avoiding for months), has a sense of finality to it that leaves me unsettled with varied emotions.

Taylor and I decided a few months ago, that this would be my last year teaching for awhile, in order for me to stay home with the babe (and future babes ;)).

And while I am so grateful that we have the opportunity and ability to allow me to stay home, it wasn't an easy decision for me.

I had been battling and avoiding the decision for weeks leading up to actually making it...I think I always knew what we would decide in the end, but I just didn't want to say it out loud.

I wish I could adequately express how much I genuinely love my job and my students.

In December, it came time to actually make the decision (before the administration completed the master schedule for the following year).
I very hesitantly made my way to the vice principal's office and tried to think of all of the reasons why this decision wasn't the right one.
Could I really tell him I wasn't coming back to teach next year?
How can I NOT teach?
I sat down in the chair across from Mr. Larson's desk, and gave him a small, weak smile.
He knew immediately why I was there, and gave me a sympathetic and understanding look.
"So, what did you decide?"
I looked down at my hands in my lap, and was surprised at how much emotion was overcoming me.
When I looked back up at him, my eyes were wet, and I responded, "I won't be coming back next year."
Mr. Larson smiled softly at me and told me he understood how difficult the decision was for me.
I've been so lucky to work with Mr. Larson--possibly one of the kindest people I've met, and absolutely one of the best bosses I've had.
As a true family man (with eight kids of his own), Mr. Larson told me how much he admired my decision to stay home to raise my baby girl.
I sat and nodded silently, crying some more, as he told me that he would hire me back in a second--no matter how many years had passed--when I was ready to return to teaching.

After our discussion, I walked back down the quiet halls to my classroom, as I tried not to think about what it all meant.
I wouldn't have any more new students.
I wouldn't laugh with them every day.
I wouldn't teach the subjects I was so passionate about.
I wouldn't see the light in the students' eyes as they grasped a concept.
I wouldn't get to tell them how much I loved them every day.

While I knew I was making the right decision for my sweet baby and me, the reality of having a baby was so NOT real to me.
Teaching was my reality!
How could I give it up?

Months went on, and as my belly started to pop, students started to ask me more frequently, "Mrs. Gilbert, are you coming back after your baby?"
I had to stifle a little bit of emotion every time I said, "No, I'm not."
I continuously avoided thinking about leaving, and avoided signing the actual paperwork.
In fact, I avoided it so much, that the administrative secretary finally had an office TA bring the paperwork down to my classroom. HA
I looked at the paperwork, "Employee's Release of Contract" and immediately put it under a textbook sitting on my desk.
I didn't want to look at it.
Didn't want to think about it.

Then today, I lifted up the textbook and saw the paper sitting there.
I sat back down at my desk with a big sigh and stared at the empty form.
I just stared at it for minutes.
I again tried to think of every possible reason why this wasn't the right decision.
And as I sat there thinking about the last four and a half years of my teaching career and how much I would miss it all, my little baby girl started squirming around inside of me.
She moved, and wiggled, and kicked, and I immediately was filled with a new emotion that overcame my current feelings.
I suddenly stopped thinking of my past sweet teaching memories, and starting thinking of the future tender moments I was about to experience with my little family.
The tears started to flow as I sat at my desk staring at that empty form in one hand, with my other hand atop my belly.
I realized that while I was sacrificing something that was so special to me, I was doing it all for something that was even more so.

In that moment, I felt like each hand held something that symbolized SO much.
I was holding my past in one hand, and cupping my future in my other hand.
I was suddenly just so grateful for the last 4.5 years I was lucky to have in the classroom, but my heart was overfilled with gratitude for what was underneath my other hand--our sweet little mover and shaker, our baby girl.

I'm sure I'll forever miss being in the classroom, until I one day have the opportunity to return.
But for now, I am finally at peace with the decision we have made.
I'm sure there will be lots more tears as the year comes to a close, but I feel like I can turn in this form without hesitation or regret.
Sadness? Definitely.
But no regrets.

^this picture seems fitting...me with my senior class cabinet.  Can you spot the teacher? hahah^

And today, I will pick up my tattered bag (that I've willed to last one more year...the perfect commuter bag), walk out of my classroom, and be able to be at peace with the fact that my days here are limited.

I feel like my tattered messenger bag is so symbolic of my teaching career:
it looks so sad, with its tears and holes and worn straps--it has given me everything it has.
And it has done me so good.
I am so sad, but for 4.5 years, I gave these students everything I have.
And they have done me so good.